King Harkinian
:"Harkinian" redirects here. You may have been looking for King Harkinian's family. John Harkinian (January 2, 1955–August 27, 2015) is a fat, hairy, but jolly king. He rules all of Hyrule, including its five regions. He is also a famous character in YouTube Poop. He is rumored to be the very creator of this wiki, the YouTube Poop wiki, and indirectly responsible for the creation of the first YouTube Poop. Appearance In the Philips CD-i games and most YouTube Poops, King Harkinian is a brown-eyed elf with long, dark blonde hair and a beard with a moustache. As is customary for members of his family, the King wears a yellow-orange robe—usually with nothing under it—and a simple headband-like crown with a small triangle on the front. He also has a necklace, but he only wears it when oahing. Personality The King seems to be very hot-headed and eccentric. He has obsessions with many things, including bois, ships, scrubbing, and the number four. Above all else, he loves dinner; he actually cares more about dinner than any of his friends or relatives, as evidenced by the time he tried to give his daughter Zelda to Dr. Robotnik in exchange for Robotnik not seizing his supply of the meal. He sometimes will repeat things over and over so Link will hear him, and he has a severe case of pedophilia, alcoholism, and gluttony. He often abuses his power as the king, usually raising taxes when he runs out of money, and has little tolerance for insults. King Harkinian is a proponent of wumbology and is responsible for its inclusion in the Hylian education system. Although the King's intelligence level is debatable and seems to vary depending on his state of mind, he is capable of inventing things like the Dinner Blaster and a robotic duplicate of Link. He also likes cars and sports and doesn't care who knows it. He hates meme replacement, and he actually got tired of the memes he created, like Mah Boi and dinner, a long time ago. However, he continues to use them because he knows from experience that people will stop caring about him if he doesn't. Although he is a good friend of the infamous bigot Dr. Rabbit and enjoys his racist comedy routines, King Harkinian generally avoids discriminating against minorities himself, and he has tried to help the people of Africa defeat the evil forces of AIDS. He gets sick kicks out of police brutality, however, and he even went to California once just to help a police officer attack Rodney King. He is also very tolerant of homosexuality, and when he found out that Duke Onkled was gay, his immediate reaction was to begin searching for a male sexual partner for Duke Onkled. Biography Childhood John Harkinian was born to Clythia and Leonard Harkinian on January 2, 1955; he is the oldest of their eight children. Three days after John's birth, Dr. Rabbit snuck up beside him and tried to entertain him, literally scaring him to death. Fortunately, medics revived him a few minutes later, but the experience gave John brain problems. He didn't learn to walk until he was five years old, and couldn't speak until he was four, explaining why he keeps saying "for" a lot to this day. When John Harkinian was born, his mother was going through a divorce with Harold Harkinian, who would gain custody of John. However, he still saw his biological parents often, and he received much guidance from Leonard Harkinian. His teachers were eventually bribed into moving him from nursery school all the way to third grade. However, his father was exiled for bribing teachers to allow an "imbecilic eggface" to reach the third grade, which John flunked out of anyway in 1963. He also bought his signature goblet around that time. Harold Harkinian died in 1963, so from ages 8 to 15, John lived with his mother, the Queen of Hyrule. John was fed too much breakfast, which disgusted him, and he ended up being overfed dinner as well. Even worse, he was forced to eat poop for lunch every day. However, due to the high quality of his dinners, he grew to love that meal. Leonard Harkinian died when John was twelve years old; after that, John fell under the influence of his hippie uncle Joseph and ended up abusing drugs. His mother abandoned him and went to Koridai in 1970. Forced to live on his own, John raised his siblings and did some self-discipline, such as not eating lunch ever again and weaning himself off of drugs, and taught himself how to fight by enlisting in the navy and ordering people to attack him. Early Reign John was prepared to become a king by the time he turned 21. At his coronation in 1976, King John Harkinian married Tylda Jones. He immediately began to issue laws saying that anyone who denied their kids the right of eating dinner would be imprisoned. He also hired Ipo as his scribe and dealt with Hyrule's pinchback infestation by having all the pests shipped off to Gannonan. This led to a war with Ganon, who retaliated by invading Koridon, but Harkinian successfully repelled the attacks by Ganon and his minions. Around the same time, in 1977, he finally achieved sobriety and replaced Ipo with a Koridian magician and scholar named Gwonam. Unfortunately, the King soon relapsed into substance abuse when Boshi gave him some crack cocain on the set of The Retarded Yoshi Show. The King later issued the Peace Is Not Greatly Angering Sirs Act of 1982 in response to the outbreak of the Hylian Civil War, meaning that a special parliament would prevent unreasonable declarations of war. On October 10, 1985, John and Tylda's daughter was born; they named her Zelda after her mother's planned name. Coincidentally, the King had signed the peace treaty that finally ended the Hylian Civil War earlier that same day, and he decided to hold an enormous feast at Hyrule Castle to celebrate both events. The feast lasted four full days and was followed by an equally massive orgy, in which the King himself participated (as if you even had to ask). Unfortunately, one of the other participants happened to have AIDS, and he gave the disease to the King, along with about 284,116 other Hylians. King Harkinian was becoming a drunkard at this point—probably as a result of the stress of dealing with Hurricane Zelda, the Hylian Civil War, and his AIDS diagnosis—and wasn't exactly a doting father to Zelda. He would often throw Triforces of Courage and attacked her whenever she expressed her freedom of speech, so Tylda hired her mother Impa to help raise Zelda. She was a much more doting mother. The King tried to get rid of his alcoholism at the Hylian Alcoholic Rehabilitation Center; though he made some progress, he immediately started drinking again after Boshi destroyed the building. On a more positive note, his AIDS was cured when the virus died due to the sheer quantity of drug and alcohol-related toxins in his bloodstream. In 1986, the newly-formed terrorist group Squad Allah began trying to assassinate King Harkinian. King Harkinian didn't take this lightly and sought to destroy them immediately, but the group was based in then-independent Koridai, which refused to tolerate any incursion by Hyrule's armies. King Harkinian "solved" this problem by assuming an alter ego he called King Dinnerem and bombing large areas of Koridai himself. Unfortunately, his disguise fooled nobody, resulting in severely strained relations between Hyrule and Koridai, and Squad Allah leader Osama bin Gwonam escaped, ensuring the group's survival. Market Crash, Rupee War, and CD-i Games The Hylian Market Crash nearly destroyed the Hylian economy in 1989. The King responded to this by annexing Koridai and revoking the rupee's status as the official Hylian currency. Things didn't improve, and the King was forced to sell Hyrule Castle and move to Gamelon. At some point, he even had to trade his robes for food and steal new clothes from his brother Nerdwin. Then, in 1991, the King hired warriors to attack Gannonan and steal Ganon's money. The strategy worked; Ganon was defeated, the Hylian army brought back enough riches to start an economic recovery throughout Hyrule, and the King and his daughter moved back into Hyrule Castle. The King was especially pleased with one child soldier named Link, naming the youth as a Mah Boi, and allowed him to join his court. The King's wife died in 1993, but by then the couple was getting along so poorly that he didn't really care. Later that year, Ganon retaliated for the Hylian attacks by seizing Koridai. The King offered to help free the island, but he ended up staying home due to Gwonam's prophecy that only Link could defeat Ganon. Soon after that, the King traveled to Gamelon to aid his cousin Duke Onkled in another fight against Ganon, only for Ganon to get his revenge by capturing the King. However, Zelda defeated Ganon and saved the King, and the King's way of thinking changed forever. Involvement in American Politics Main Article: Presidency of King Harkinian After boosting his credibility as a diplomat by helping to found the Trinited Nations, the King decided to compete in the American presidential election of 1996 with Fat Mario as his running mate. He won, but just a few months after his inauguration, he was deposed in favor of Bill Clinton. This was probably because of the King's lack of experience and his plans to move the capital to Flagstaff, Arizona, which is much like his home city. The Poop Era Main Article: Poop Era With his political ambitions defeated, the King went back to Hyrule and started KingPictures Co., the predecessor to modern YouTube Poop. In 2005, he launched the War on Lunch, a campaign to wipe out the meal in Gomalan, Koridon, and Gamelai. The King also began to appear in YouTube Poop that year when YouTube bought KingPictures. By now, he earns over 9,000 Hyrule dollars a week, or just over 1,280 a day and over 50 an hour. Favorites *Boi: Link *Gorl: Zelda *Number: 4 *Dinner: Onions (explaining his bad breath) *Game: Portal 2 *TV show: Scrubs *Movie: Jaws *TV character: Kenny McCormick *Band: KISS *Friend: Ganon (joking) Sexual Orientation The King is mostly straight, even showing signs of pedophilia on Zelda. He's sometimes gay, kissing Link or Gwonam, but tries to hide it, and he ran away to San Francisco when he accidentally told Zelda he was gay. He has confusingly claimed that while he enjoys gay sex, he isn't actually gay. He was once willing to aid Duke Onkled by giving him oral sex, but has refused sex from other people like Link and Dr. Robotnik. Sometimes he will even be attracted to hermaphrodites. He is basically bisexual, but recently he's had sexual orientations towards computers and animals. Age Some are not certain of his age, but many agree he is in his 50's or 60's. He celebrated his 54th birthday on January 2, 2009, so his age was confirmed for the first time. Sanity Issues King Harkinian suffers from alcoholism and is known to be mentally unstable, and certain things like bricks, refrigerators, and Reese's Pieces will make him lose his sanity or even his ability to think or speak. He also has occasional cannibalistic urges, and has eaten black children and furries. One time, after consuming drugged ice cream, he even hallucinated eating Zelda and Morshu. Family Main Article: Harkinian Family The king has four brothers and three sisters, not counting his half-siblings. His mother is dead, and so is his father. He is a bachelor and a widower since his wife died, too. He has a daughter, Zelda. Religious Views King Harkinian has been a devout atheist for most of his life ("Link is under attack by the evil forces of God") but tends to celebrate Christian traditions like Christmas and uses the Christian calendar. In mid-2010, however, he converted to Islam and began promoting the teachings of the Koran to anyone willing to listen. This may have just been an attempt to get Squad Allah to stop trying to kill him. Occupation King Harkinian has held a variety of jobs other than just being a king. He was also a warrior, a spokesperson for the War on Lunch, and the founder and CEO of King Harkinian Cereal Co.. Sometimes he is unemployed, and other times he is a time traveler and/or an officer of the Time Travel Police. He is also a lawyer, a writer, an inventor, and is part of a group that works to make warriors strive for peace. He is also a shoe salesman, a mustard tester, and a drink tester. For two months, he served as the president of the United States of America. He also inherited the powers and duties of Santa Claus when he killed him. Politics King Harkinian got his first exposure to politics when he listened to the 1960 presidential debates between John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon via radio. He grew obsessed with Kennedy, who remains his favorite US president and politician by far, and soon wanted to enter politics himself. He was actually somewhat disappointed that he didn't have to run a campaign to become king, which was probably his main motivation for his infamous 1996 presidential campaign. Since the disastrous conclusion of his US presidency, the King has mostly stayed out of political affairs outside of Hyrule. Aliases *The King *King of Hyrule *Dinner King *Mah Mon *Father *Your majesty *Your omnipotence *My liege Criminal Record The King has been committing crimes repeatedly. In 2008, he ended up littering his TV, running over Waldo in a street race, drunk driving, and insulting a police officer to his face. He also stole rupees, porn, dinner, and cakes. He downloads stuff like Sony Vegas illegally, and even worse, he usually watches porn while waiting for his downloads to finish. He is also a former Justin Bieber fan, meaning that if we still were, he would be fed nothing but magic balloons for the rest of his life. He also has tried to hit on Zelda and drug her while she was a minor. Death and Afterlife See King Harkinian's Death and The King's Ghost for more information. In 2015, Fari attacked the King with a knife in an act of treason. The King died, and he haunted Hyrule Castle for about 580 years until he got bored and decided to inhabit the body of Jake the Dog. When Jake died, too, he went to reinhabit his old body which was preserved but he died in 2808. The ghost haunted Coney Island until it was destroyed in 3011. Hobbies The King has lots of hobbies, including, of course, eating dinner. He sometimes likes attacking people, and listens/dances to music, especially disco. He also likes reading, but it is mostly newspapers and brochures that he likes to read, not William Shakespeare or Writewell. He sometimes likes playing the Wii, but his keeps malfunctioning. He also has a YouTube account where he uploads his YouTube Poops. He is obsessed with getting more subscribers and will often try to harass people into watching his videos. Sometimes he looks to his friends like Gwonam or Stan Smith to entertain him. Health Issues King Harkinian is obese and has a case of diabetes so severe that Morshu sometimes refuses to sell certain foods to him. However, he has no desire to change his eating habits, and Gwonam had to threaten to kill him to get him to go on a diet, which failed anyway. He can be very sensitive about his weight problems, and he once sentenced Link to life in prison for insulting him about his weight. One of King Harkinian's kidneys is smaller than the other, explaining his frequent urination problems. He is an alcoholic, drinking especially heavily on Sunday mornings, and has suffered severe liver damage as a result. He has a wheat allergy, yet he eats a lot of wheaty foods like dough and toast. Between 1990 and 1992, he actually aged backwards due to serious exposure to anti-uctions. Finally, he has AIDS, but the HIV is dead, meaning his blood is a cure for AIDS. King Harkinian can eat an entire banana through his butt. This is because he was born with "Asinus Os Syndrome" a birth defect that allows food to be eaten through. Trivia *He drinks diarrhea. He also thinks his poop is delicious and thinks everyone else should consume it. *His favorite color is light orange-ochre. *He tends to get drowsy when eating feces. *He tends to attack Link and Zelda a lot. *He likes getting both messages and massages from Gwonam, but Gwonam only gave King Harkinian a massage once. *He marketed Munf Munf until it was declared illegal. *He once actually got mumps from Munf Munf. *If combined with a Dinner Blaster or a Dinner Blaster v2, he becomes very powerful. *He once oah'd Duke Onkled. *He has a serious obsession with cereal and spider meat. *He once accidentally attacked Barack Obama. *He can swim for months without stopping. *He sometimes peeps into Princess Toadstool's door to see what she's doing. This is a very anti-uctiony thing to do. *He likes passing gas. *He eats chocolate eggs, but when Link ate his egg, he imprisoned him. *He has traveled into the future, the past, the 5th dimension, Hell, heaven, and the Earth. *He eats a lot of antacids to explode his anus. *He rubs his butt on the floor like a dog. *He kisses dogs. *He hates Kermit. *He hates Bill Clinton for winning his election. *He often watches porn whenever he's on a computer. *He has the power to shoot energy balls out of his hands. *He can see the second dimension of time. *He licks people who hate him. It would be cool if he were a dog or a cat, but that's just disgusting! *Do not eat his dinner. He will kill you if you do. Sometimes he will eat your gonads, too. *If he eats Reece's Pieces, he will go crazy. *He has made multiple attempts to create and capitalize cereals, but most have failed. *He seems to have made an enemy with Mario Head. *Gnorris once gave him AIDS. *He once thought he was Billy Mays. *If you make him really angry, he will pull out his pingas Dinner Blaster and attack everyone in the room. *He starred in every YouTube Poop video game to date. *He is very conflicted on whether or not he likes his boy. *He once grew so huge he ended up eating Link. *He has been repeatedly killed, but he kept escaping the pit to come back to life. *He once had a gay affair with Link. *He is a Brony. *He got trapped in I.M. Meen's book, in which he met a fairy and ate it. *He has constant arguments with Mario characters. *He created the role-playing game Morshu starring Morshu. *He served as the captain of a ship that was destroyed by Uncle Grandpa's head, but a giant octopus saved him. *He once got Link to shave his beard off, creating the form Shaved King. *His power level is over 9,000. *He has a crush on Mah boi. *He once dyed his hair orange but, got it back to normal a few minutes later. *He apparently has a Tumblr page. Quotes *"Mah boi, this peace is what all true warriors strive for!" *"Hmm. How can we help?" *"Zelda, Duke Onkled is under attack by the evil forces of Ganon. I'm going to Gamelon to aid him." *"I'll take the Triforce of Courage to protect me. If you don't hear from me in a month, send Link." *"Enough. My ship sails in the morning. I wonder what's for dinner?" *"You saved me!" *"After you scrub all the floors in Hyrule. Then we can talk about mercy. Take him away!" *"Oah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" *"Yes! Funny cereal!" *"I'm going to San Fransisco." *"Don't you understand what a month means?" *"Zelda, the floor is under my feet." *"I saved myself!" *"Zelda, I'm always talking about dinner." *"Talk to me, boy." *"I don't know what to say." *"Enough is enough. What the f--k is dinner?" *"Mah boi, I'm going to use my eyes as a camera." *"Help me! Save me! Protect me!" *"Mah boi, the Wii is what all true warriors strive for!" *"You owned me!" *"Hey, we can talk about balls!" *"This is mah boi, Link. He's gay, as you can see." *"Enough. I'm going to Subway for dinner." *"Don't talk s--t, what's for f--king dinner?" *"I'm gay! Oh s--t, I didn't mean to say that." *"I'm going to hit you." *"My ship's for dinner. I wonder what sails in the morning?" *"I'm going to walk." 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